•Your identity is flexible and not fixed.
A reason why despite taking a lot of action and doing many things people just can’t let go of their ex nor feel better on a core level is because we are wrongfully being taught that our identity is fixed, that we beed somwthing outside of us before we can be a certain way, that taking action is what creates the circ*mstances under which we can finally be and feel good enough and no longer live in the past.
Although action is a necessary part of creation, this approach is wrong.
Because the internal always colors the external and change has to come from the inside before it can exist in the outside.
It’s also not so much about how much or what type of action you take, but about what places these actions are coming from.
So you can take massive action, make a lot of money, be very successful in dating and drown yourself in toxic positivity but if these actions are coming from a place of fear of loneliness, self-hatred, toxic shame, etc., or if at a core level you identify as a version of you that:
⁃Doesn’t feel good enough despite having it all and despite 'filling the void'⁃Isn't worthy of love and basic respect⁃Struggles with letting go of emotions⁃Doesn’t feel secure in themselvesthen your life circ*mstances, your relationships and what types of people you attract mirror this back to you one way or another.
So before you do anything, make the conscious decision to let go of your old identity and be committed to create a new one first.After all, in order to accomplish something you never had, you have to become someone you have never been.
•Be aware that ego isn‘t real self-esteem.
Generally speaking, self-esteem refers to the beliefs, thoughts, opinions, and feelings about yourself.
Real and secure self-esteem comes from being fully aware of your own power, from being powerful, and from having a solid sense of self-worth. From perceiving yourself and everyone else as worthy and good enough and from not relying on external validation to feel and to be secure in yourself. Rejections or negative feedback simply wont make you question or re-evaluate your sense of self and you wont take things so personally.
For example:
When you often set and assert your boundaries in compassionate ways and unapologetically say no to things you don’t want to do and to treatment you don’t tolerate, or when you are committed to let go of an ex and improve yourself, that is secure and high self-esteem.
Ego and fragile self-esteem on the other hand is often rooted in traumas from abuse, from being around toxic people and in a really toxic environment, and from being strongly dependent on the approval of others to be secure in yourself.It also basically comes from an unrealistic view of the self and a victim mentality. From feeling powerless, from believing that love, support and good things are scarce, that they are something you have to earn or fight really hard for and that’s only given to those who experienced excruciating amounts of hardship or pain. That you aren’t good enough by default but must prove yourself first in order to view yourself be seen by others as 'worthy'.
And one common reason why people feel worthless after a breakup, as if they lost themselves in a relationship that just ended is because they tried to find their self-worth and identity in this relationship when it is actually something that only comes from within and is only created by you and your innermost beliefs.
•Why you should transcend your ego and improve your self-esteem.
Ego and Fragile self-esteem creates emotional problems, harms social relationships and harms you because it impedes your success and life in general.
And a lot of people try to cope with a breakup by inflating their ego (self-concept) with drowning themselves in pleasure or comfort, improving looks, or undermining and vilifying their ex.Although this does give you an initial ego-boost, it doesn’t really help you to be truly secure in yourself and to build high self-esteem. It also stands in your way towards real personal growth and improvements. Because in order for us to experience changes, to grow and evolve, we need to:
⁃Be willing to accept truth even when we don’t like it and when it goes against our self-concept or certain beliefs and opinions.⁃Be willing to accept, assess, and improve our own flaws in order to be able to let go of our old identity.⁃Take responsibility for ourselves. For how we feel, what we do, and who we are.⁃Understand that big changes take time and that it takes us only one second to take ourselves seriously and the mental, emotional, and physical happiness into our own hands.So having secure and high self-esteem not only improves your resilience, relationships and personal growth, it also makes it much easier for you to manage and handle challenges like a breakup and other difficult life events that are inevitable.
•Self-esteem and self-confidence are similar, but not the same.
Self-confidence is independent of anything outside of you.It is knowing that you are going to be fine no matter what and find a way out, something that grows through life and reference experience and as you take action.Many people don’t lack self-confidence because there is something very wrong with them or because they aren’t good enough, but because they aren’t aware of their own power and simply don’t know how to navigate through life yet.
There is simply no reference experience to derive direction, insights and self-trust from.
However, and this is why breakups are actually pretty amazing, every setback, adversity, rejection and challenge you experience or master give you the exact know how and reference experience you need in order to build your self-confidence. This is why inner challenges, adversities and external challenges are ultimately good for you and your personal growth and why you must embrace them, not hide from them.
Because when you always avoid inner and outer challenges and adversities, how will you ever grow and mature as a person and gain the reference experience you need to overcome such things and to handle life well?
Understand that fear is simply your brains and egos way to keep you save from harm. However, most of the time the harm you are scared of is merely a temporary and necessary discomfort.
To be self-confident also means to be open-minded and to 'slay some dragons'.To not view your perspective or circ*mstances as absolute or unchangeable and to realize that life is a massive grey-zone. That it is a lot about perception and mindset, that there is always something new to learn or grow from, no matter how old you are, how much or how little you have achieved, how successful and wealthy you are, or how skilled you are, and that none of us is aware of every single truth or possibility in existence. It’s up to us to explore them. But we can only do that when we are open-minded.
•Challenge your limiting beliefs.
How do you know you will never get to experience true love again, build another amazing relationship, or that you can never be okay with being alone?
Do you have hard scientific evidence to support this assumption?
A real case-study?
Aren’t there things you can do to put yourself out there and meet the right people?
Is it really impossible to improve yourself and circ*mstances?
Did you even give your actions enough time and consistency for them to produce results?
Often, people give up way before they even did something to improve circ*mstances because they don’t believe that change is possible. However, the only thing that guarantees nothing will change is inaction, not having a solid plan and hoping for things to get better on their own one day.
Realize that most of the time, what’s holding you back from having the life you want and from being the person you want to be is nothing but a limiting belief in your mind that you regard as absolute truth. A conditioned and habitual thought-pattern. A perspective and viewpoint out of many other perspectives and viewpoints.
Beliefs are just beliefs though and never the ultimate truth. Only when you yourself regard limiting beliefs as unchangeable truth can they create a corresponding identity and reality.
Because we attract to us not what we want, but a reflection of who we are being at our core.Your internal will always color the external and once you begin to transform the inner, the outer will adapt to that one way or another.
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If you need help with implementing this and get over your breakup for good, send me a message. I will gladly help you out.
